please do not

It only takes on person abusing it, for everyone to lose their feeding ice cream to shark privileges.

How to ride a bus in Auckland

You just have to decide where you are going. Really, you just have to decide. Really, as a tourist you have no particular reason to go anywhere, so the first thing you have to do is to decide which place will be the most impressive today. Then, you go to google maps and let it decide what buses you need to take to get there. This will give you a more efficient route than they might give you at the Brittomart station, and google is faster anyway.

So much for the easy part.

Once you know where you are going, you must board the bus and tell the driver where you think he should let you off. You have to tell him because the buses use a graded price system, so the distance to the destination affects the price in an obscure way. But this just opens the first stage of negotiations. The bus driver will then tell you in turn that, first, this bus doesn't go there; second, that place does not exist; and third, wouldn't you be better off taking a cab, you sweet little thing, because this public transport thing just seems a bit beyond you?

You must hold your ground. The game is to find the first stop after your destination that the bus driver will admit to servicing. I've found that gesturing at a vague region on a map does wonders, but then the driver will charge for the furthest stop in that area. Eventually the bus driver will name some price that doesn't appear on the rate table, and you pay it. In return you receive a short string of dental floss which is supposed proof of payment, but I have never been able to study it under a powerful enough microscope to determine what the words, if any, say.

Now that you've earned the right to ride the bus, all you have to do is wait for your stop to approach. The more vehemently the driver denied such a stop existing, the larger the sign giving the name of the stop, which is exactly the name you tried running by the driver earlier.

All that's left to do then is press the stop button and hope the bus doesn't go too much further. For extra credit, you can read the timetable on the bus stop on the way back and verify that the bus does, indeed, stop there.

Tarini

290$NZ from Adventure Cycle, with guaranteed 50% buyback. I expect at least two major breakdowns.

"Kia ora," or, Utterly Defenseless

My infiltration of the Newish Zealandish nation was well-planned. I packed a variety of papers offering a plausible itinerary of my travels, including manufactured names and addresses associated with phone numbers of confidants who can vouch for the trip. This after all, is what you typically need for traveling between the United States and Canada, and moreover you must have it memorized so that you can repeat it verbatim while being hosed naked in their interrogation chambers. Any mis-step and you will be sent to Gitmo or one of the CIA's black sites for further processing.

New Zealand doesn't care for such proper, well-regarded defense procedures. They instead caqll you to their little booths, squint at your "Unetid Staats" passport without a glance at you, and send you on your way. I exaggerate of course. Other travelers report that they may occasionally ask about camping equipment or fruit, which the Newish Zealandish have a particular fear of: throughout customs and immigration there are posters of decaying, vampiric, zombified fruit as if ready to attack, which apparently is what the Newish Zealandish people think of when they think of fruit. It is probably best that on a reconnaissance mission such as this I did not bring anything to set off their fruit detectors; my AR-17 got through without any difficulties.

Don't think this open attitude is limited to their immigration checkpoints. Everywhere you go in New Zealand people will greet you with the traditional, unpronounceable welcome "kia ora," which, applying my investigative and literary skills, roughly translates to: "Please take whatever you want, just don't throw any fruit at me." And so it was, I went to a stand, showed my over-21 ID and purchased a holster and a banana, and nobody gave me any trouble the entire day of my arrival.

There you have it: New Zealand is an utterly defenseless, virgin land ripe for the taking, with its unplowed skyscrapers and parking meters, its open fields of concrete, and extinct species of giant birds.

Categories, properly explained

It pleasures me greatly to be writing this to you, dearest of readers. I have written this blog just for you. For I know that in the days to come you will look at the tags on these blogged posts I will so painstakingly have constructed for you, and you will read them, and then you will look at the categorization of the post, and you will say: "What most blasted tarnation is this in my feed? Lorrie, get the gun." But never fear, when that day comes, merely return to this page (bookmark it, perhaps, or engrave it on your laptop, or commit it to memory; in fact, I have composed a poem for it:

Eitch, teeteepee, colon,
Slash slash enzee
Explained! dot.
Blog's pot dot.
Com slash!
Twenty ten slash twelve slash!
Categories dash,
Properly dash,
Explained dot.
Eitch
Tee
Em
Ell.

(Which as you can see is by no means difficult to remember.)) and review the following categories:

• quaint: Aren't foreign countries so cute and quirky? Their people look so adorable when they go about their normal, day-to-day lives in their fascinating little ways. It's nice to know that wherever you go in the world, you can meet people just like yourself, only not nearly as sophisticated.
• monkeys: I have it on good faith that New Zealand has no native land mammals, which only raises the question: "Well, what kind of monkeys do they have, any way?" I will keep you up to date on this important environmental question.
• colonial: There are so many business opportunities in strange lands for a clever entrepreneur such as yourself! In these posts, I will discuss the treasures of the islands, from rich mineral and labor resources ripe for the taking to the native weapons and strategic defenses (if any).
• moving: Traveling has its perks, from stench-filled buses to photogenic scenery conveniently placed near parking lots. It's important to create as many significant experiences as possible in the allotted time: you are trying to impress your friends, aren't you?
  
• horrible: We all know that countries overseas permit all manner of primitive and unstylish practices that we should stamp out, if only our military were not nearly so underfunded. Let me tell you, whenever I get that spidey sense of something evil and un-American it is my duty to blog it for you.
• whoah: If there's one thing about long journeys I love, it's that inevitable delightful occasion when Deep Stuff Happens. If I don't have supernatural enlightenment on some wind warped peak, then I'm sure to run into some pitiable person with a challenging life who will teach me far more than I could ever repay. How wonderful!

This list seems good to me now, sir or ma'am reader, I have sat back and stared at it for 5 minutes in awe of the completeness it represents. However, should I ever need to add new categories to this list, I shall try to edit this post to ensure that they all remain properly explained.

• huh: For example, I just realized that I needed a category for all this introductory and about informational blogging matter that folks love to read, so I just added it.
  

Lorem ipsum

It has been well, and truly stated:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Well, now, what are we to do with that? Most blogs hit you with that icy blast of perverted Latin and expect you to line your birdhouse, build your doghouse, and instruct your children by it, but in the light of the flickering television set, why should they listen to you instead? This blog will not now leave you empty-handed, for this blog is about proper explanation of these matters to AMERICANS. And while most Americans don't have time to nulla pariatur, when I say to you instead,

Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?

You see, now that nonsense has been explained properly so any proper American can understand it during a commercial break. Is it football season in America? Yes, and yet we can still read blogs, as long as they are short. Is it football season in New Zealand? I don't know, but when I find out I can explain that to you, properly. In American.

Testing, testing,

One two three. FFFshhshsss. Turn it down, Jim. Testing, testing. OK, up a bit. Testing, testing, one two three. That sound good to you? Alright, let's rock!