How to ride a bus in Auckland

You just have to decide where you are going. Really, you just have to decide. Really, as a tourist you have no particular reason to go anywhere, so the first thing you have to do is to decide which place will be the most impressive today. Then, you go to google maps and let it decide what buses you need to take to get there. This will give you a more efficient route than they might give you at the Brittomart station, and google is faster anyway.

So much for the easy part.

Once you know where you are going, you must board the bus and tell the driver where you think he should let you off. You have to tell him because the buses use a graded price system, so the distance to the destination affects the price in an obscure way. But this just opens the first stage of negotiations. The bus driver will then tell you in turn that, first, this bus doesn't go there; second, that place does not exist; and third, wouldn't you be better off taking a cab, you sweet little thing, because this public transport thing just seems a bit beyond you?

You must hold your ground. The game is to find the first stop after your destination that the bus driver will admit to servicing. I've found that gesturing at a vague region on a map does wonders, but then the driver will charge for the furthest stop in that area. Eventually the bus driver will name some price that doesn't appear on the rate table, and you pay it. In return you receive a short string of dental floss which is supposed proof of payment, but I have never been able to study it under a powerful enough microscope to determine what the words, if any, say.

Now that you've earned the right to ride the bus, all you have to do is wait for your stop to approach. The more vehemently the driver denied such a stop existing, the larger the sign giving the name of the stop, which is exactly the name you tried running by the driver earlier.

All that's left to do then is press the stop button and hope the bus doesn't go too much further. For extra credit, you can read the timetable on the bus stop on the way back and verify that the bus does, indeed, stop there.